Speak Up: Amber Koeth

Gymnastics has been a part of Amber’s life from the time she was a young girl. Along with the physical challenges the sport brought, Amber had to learn to overcome an even more daunting challenge: Her mental health.

My very first coach noticed the little bit of talent that I had and took me and my two other teammates at the age of six, and pushed us really hard. Pretty much immediately we were practicing eight hours a day. I've been heavily involved in my sport since then.

Early on, gym became an emotional release for me. No matter how hard school was, or how much I missed my parents, I always knew that gymnastics was a constant. Having that outlet to go into practice and be a totally different person was huge. Just to be able to look at the set of bars, or the floor, or the beam was really helpful for me. 

This sport is definitely one of those sports that takes a very long time to get down. I think that gymnastics definitely taught me to not give up. If you fall down seven times, keep getting up. 

I can't count how many times I've wanted to walk away from the sport. But there's just always been something telling me that I'm not done yet. I have unfinished business and what I'm doing and I think that is definitely the sport talking not necessarily me because yes, I love the sport so much but growing up not learning to not give up until I can get the best possible outcome that I can. 

I never realized how bad my mental health was until I got to college. All throughout school, I used to have anxiety attacks, even as early as second grade. Not knowing what I was going through really harmed me.  I never felt that I was good enough inside and outside of the sport. That played a huge role in my success in the last four, five, six, seven years. For so long, I thought what I was going through, was the same as what everybody was going through. That's why I didn't say anything about it. I was just like, ‘oh, everyone feels depressed on a daily basis. Everybody has really bad anxiety.’

But as I got older, it started to weigh on me more and more because I was becoming more aware. I was like, ‘What is happening to me.. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't know what it is and I can't fix it.’  It felt like a giant, dark entity in my head that just kept expanding to all little corners of my brain. It got to the point where I would wake up for school in the morning, and I would just hysterically cry to my mom, and I couldn't figure out why. I could not put it together. 

I wish I would have spoken about how I felt sooner. I feel like I could have done so much better in club if I would have known what was going on. Yes, it's a negative experience, but getting help isn't a negative thing. And it's not a weakness, to admit that you need help.The biggest thing I would tell myself as a kid would be to not be afraid to speak up for yourself. 

But I also know that it was worth it. Because it was hard, and painful, it led me to a lot of dark places - but at the end of the day, coming out on the other side, feeling completely healed shaped me into who I am. Now, I'm more understanding of people, and I'm more caring. I'm there for people more often. And I like that about myself. It taught me how to be a better person. 

I wouldn't say that my story is unique because a lot of people go through what I went through. But I would say that not a lot of people talk about it after the fact. So I think for me, it's more of the fact that I like talking about not really, you know, like, but I talk about it because I feel healed. And if I can help somebody else heal from their pain, then that like makes it entirely worth it, I went through it. And I was able to get through it with people that helped me 

And I mean, I didn't open up. The first person I opened up to was Michael Qian. That was the first person that I was ever able to be like, okay, like, maybe I'm having a problem, I need to talk to somebody about it. He was a big brother to literally everybody in athletics. He was easy to talk to, but I wish I would have opened my mouth sooner.

My most euphoric moment as an athlete came during the meet in San Jose. I just remember waking up and feeling better than normal. Like it was just one of those mornings that I woke up and I was like, okay, today is gonna be a good day. It was that day that I got the first 9.9 of my career. Yes it was a good score, but for me, it was more than just a nine. That night I was finally able to get back to how I was when I was growing up. The sport was fun and easy and an overall good time. I had finally let myself heal and be the athlete that I needed to be.

We deserve a voice, whether it's mental health, or abuse, or whatever this sport has thrown at all of these gymnasts that have been broken and beaten down by the sport. We deserve a voice and we have a voice. If you look at schools like UCLA, Oklahoma, LSU, they’re using their voice and it's trickling down. It's trickling down into these little girls that are feeling these things and going through what they're going through. Change starts from the top. If I have learned one thing in my years of doing the sport, it’s that I have a voice, and my voice matters.