The Master of my Fate: Kate Thomas

I was always a soccer girl through and through. That was my sport and my passion. My greatest asset in soccer was my speed. My high school soccer coach told me I should try track, so I went to tryouts and ended up being really good. But running around a circle is boring. I chose to add some excitement by doing hurdles. Sports were my life in high school, but because of that, I never wanted to pursue athletics in college. I wanted a chance to reinvent myself and step away from my label of the sports girl, but later I realized you can’t change what you are. I never entered any of the recruiting portals and never responded to coaches who emailed me. I really grew to love track my senior season and as my last few meets approached I realized I actually did want to continue my career, so I contacted the coach (at BYU).

 I have always wanted to serve a mission. Both my parents and my older sister served missions and I never really questioned that I would go. Once I started my freshman year it was a bigger decision than I thought. I was injured and ended up redshirting my freshman season so it was hard for me to decide to leave before I had the chance to prove myself on the track. In the end, I knew that my desire to serve was more important and I decided to go. Getting assigned to Russia was so exciting. I was so ready for this adventure and I had never felt more confident in my decision. 

For six months I did nothing but prepare for my next 18 months in Russia. I learned Russian, I bought all my winter clothes, I got my visa. I could not have been more ready and excited to leave. Before I could leave for Russia, I had to go to a training center to learn Russian and how to be a volunteer. I was in the training center for 9 weeks. Two days before my flight to Russia, I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer. To say I was heartbroken does not even begin to describe how hard it was to rip up that plane ticket and kiss Russia goodbye. 

The week before, I had noticed a golf ball sized lump in my throat that I decided to get checked out. I saw 3 different doctors before finally getting a scan and a biopsy. Getting diagnosed with cancer in the training center as a 19 year old is just about the worst place to get diagnosed. You do not have a cell phone which means you do not have google to research what the doctors are telling you. You are away from your family and can only contact them once a week. You have to go to your appointments all alone. I kept hearing cancer from all these doctors and assumed I was dying. I had no idea who to tell and no idea what to do. I was going to Russia for religious reasons to serve God, so to say I felt abandoned by God was an understatement. After receiving my scans and as I was lying on the table alone with a room full of doctors preparing for my biopsy it came to their attention that my family had not even been notified. The doctor called my poor, unsuspecting mother telling her they found a lump in my neck and she should fly out immediately because it didn’t look good. I think the hardest part for me was not that I was sick and had a long road ahead of me. I could manage that. The hardest part was changing my plans. My life was completely set for the next 18 months. I was going to be in Russia doing what I have dreamed about doing my whole life. Strengthening my faith. Learning a language. Making memories that will last a lifetime. This was my life plan. It felt right and it had been going exactly to plan until that moment. I was sent home 3 hours after receiving my diagnosis and my heart hurt more about my mission than about the cancer. 

The very first time I met with my surgeon I was grilling him with all these questions about my recovery. What’s the recovery like? When can I run? How will it all impact me long term? His response has always stuck with me. He didn’t want to scare me and say recovery would be miserable, but he also did not want to paint a pretty picture and say it would be a walk in the park. He told me to prepare myself because the next 5 months of my life would be extremely “suboptimal”. He was very right, but then he said after those 5 months I can make my life as optimal as I want with no real long term restrictions. I think that perspective was very pivotal for me. I could survive 5 months of suboptimal living, but when it was done I had to move on and not get stuck feeling sorry for myself but rather start making my life optimal again. It also made me realize how little I would be able to care for myself and that this suboptimal 5 months really applied to my family and everyone that had to care for me. It made me grit my teeth and get through it with the goal of not being a burden, or at least being a pleasant, grateful one. This term carried on into all aspects of life. In the wise words of my coach we must “embrace the suck” and push through the suboptimal before we can make it to the optimal. 

 The cancer had already left my thyroid and spread to my lymph nodes. In order to treat it I had surgery immediately. They removed my entire thyroid as well as 68 lymph nodes. There was a complication in the surgery with my parathyroids and those were taken too. Once I had recovered I then had to take radioactive iodine in order to kill any remaining thyroid cells. After taking the radioactive iodine I was radioactive and had to enter into total isolation and could not come into contact with anyone for at least 7 days. 

Your thyroid is a vital organ. It regulates a lot of things in your body such as heart rate, body temperature, but most importantly your metabolism. Without a thyroid I am completely reliant on medication to regulate those things for me. Without parathyroids I am unable to regulate my own calcium levels and have to take calcium supplements daily. 

This past December, I had my year-out scans. Unfortunately they showed cancer in some lymph nodes on the other side of my neck. I got better scans and another biopsy. With my track season starting the next week this was again threatening my current plans. After weeks of stress my doctor decided upon no more surgery and I will just continue to get scans every 6 months and make sure it doesn’t grow. Such a blessing to get to return for my season, but I wanted more than anything to be declared cancer free so I could be done worrying about it. 

Plans are dangerous. Rarely do things actually go as planned. There is injury, cancer, or global pandemics. In any given circumstance it is important to focus on what you can control, which in every case includes our attitude and the way we feel about something. Let those attitudes be resilient, determined, positive, and confident and then you will be unstoppable regardless of how your plans get ruined. 

The most important thing I learned through this journey is that no one can tell me how to feel. When you go through something so public and so shocking, everyone is going to react. Everyone will approach you, or project their feelings onto you, or say something that is not the most sensitive or appropriate in your circumstance. This was overwhelming and exhausting for me at first accepting all of these thoughts and feelings that were being projected onto me by others before knowing what my own feelings were. As time went on, these reactions really began to wear on me. When I finally realized that no one could tell me how to feel, it was like taking back power.  I felt my own feelings about my situation and I stopped feeling overwhelmed or offended.  I found confidence in my vulnerability and was able to invite people on my journey rather than letting them control it. Next time I am faced with a big public issue where I find everyone reacting to me, I will know that my feelings are just that: mine. I am the one in control. My favorite poem, Invictus by William Henley, is what guided me to this realization with the last 4 lines perfectly embodying this idea:

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.