Finding Strength: Alex Espinoza
When did football become a passion for you?
Growing up, my life revolved around sports. Sports were everything, and meant everything to me, especially football. But it wasn’t until I reached Idaho State University that I finally realized that it was a passion of mine. This is also where I learned and understood what it really meant to be passionate about something. To me, when you are truly passionate about something you are willing to go through the challenges, struggles, and adversity that comes with it. It takes more than just loving or wanting something. Because when the going gets tough, this usually isn’t enough. I can say that my journey and experience has been anything but easy for me, but it is that passion that has helped me get me to where I am today and why I have decided to keep going.
What obstacles have you had to overcome throughout your career?
I have faced and overcome many challenges and obstacles throughout my career, including not being recruited, walking on, paying for school, balancing academics, switching positions multiple times, and dealing with injury. But none of these were more challenging and difficult than accepting and overcoming a mental illness as a male athlete, especially a football player. Although it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through, it was easily the most proud and most rewarding accomplishment of all.
What is one moment that has defined you as an athlete or as a person?
My defining moment of my career did not occur on the field, but rather off. It was when finally I accepted the fact that I could no longer go on without any help, and that I was dealing with something beyond my control. I had been taught as an athlete and as a male that I needed to be tough and strong, physically and mentally. I did everything in my power to just push through, and thought that it would all just pass over eventually. But it didn’t, and everything kept piling up to the point that I was completely overwhelmed and it was overbearing. I no longer was enjoying the things that often brought me happiness and joy, such as football, working out, and spending time with friends and family. I began to shut everyone out, and was absolutely miserable. There were times where I would shut my phone off, lock myself in my room, make my room pitch black, and just sit in the dark. I felt like I had let everyone down, including myself, and that I was just a burden. At times I actually thought and believed that maybe everyone would be better without me, I was incapable of moving forward, and should just quit. I felt as if I was completely deserving of all the misery and pain I was feeling, and that I even deserved more than I was currently experiencing. I got to the lowest of lows, my “rock bottom”, and knew I had to make a decision. I could either give up, quit on myself, and accept the fact that I was too weak and wasn’t built for this… or I could go against what I thought was unacceptable as a male athlete, and I could accept my mental struggles, and ask for help. Luckily, the athlete in me kicked in, and I decided to continue to fight and get the help I needed. Not only did I feel like I was fighting for my mental health, but also fighting against all the stereotypes that had been set between males and mental health. Ever since I was a kid I can remember hearing the term “mental toughness”, but don’t ever remember hearing the terms “mental health” or “mental illness”. It is something that isn’t really mentioned or talked about, especially in male athletes. So this made it extremely difficult for me to accept that I may have this issue. It made me wonder if I was the only one, and that maybe I was just different, because it seemed like everyone around me was perfectly fine. Reaching out and asking for help, seeing a counselor, going to therapy, and being prescribed medication was embarrassing, lonely, and scary. Despite my doubts and insecurities, I finally was seeing progress, and began to return to my normal self. I eventually got to the point that I was no longer, scared, or embarrassed, but was able to come to the realization that this was beyond my control, and accepted that this was a part of me. I quickly learned that there was no quick fix or cure. It is something that never just goes away. But with the right help and right perspective I was able to realize that I don’t need to be ashamed, and don’t have to let this control me. I had a choice to accept it, be proud of who I am, and do everything in my power to be in control. It has been a long, difficult, and humbling process, but I am proud to say that I no longer am scared, lonely, or embarrassed, but rather I have found peace, hope, and have never been in a greater mental state than I am now.
What makes your story unique in comparison to the average athlete?
I believe that my story is unique because my success throughout my career hasn’t necessarily come from my performance on the field, accolades, or awards from football, but rather from obstacles overcome and personal growth off the field. As an athlete and as a competitor, we all desire to play, make plays, and even be in the spotlight at times. Although my career hasn’t been much of what I had expected and hoped on the field, I am still truly grateful for the opportunities and even the challenges I have had to experience, not only to become a better athlete, but more importantly to become a better person, and be able to relate to those who may also share a similar situation to mine. It is not our career statistics or big plays that defines us, but rather the person we are and strive to become that truly defines us. Wins, losses, stats, will be forgotten, but the impression and impact you leave on others can last a lifetime.
What are the biggest lessons you will take from your athletic experience?
We are athletes, not super heroes. As an athlete, since we are highly skilled and can do amazing things within our respected sports, I believe that sometimes we think we are invincible and can’t let anyone or anything tear us down. But truth be told, this is an unrealistic expectation, and it is often difficult for us to accept. I have learned that it is okay to accept and embrace our imperfections, and that this doesn’t make us any lesser of an athlete. This is extremely important for our mental health and our overall well-being and we need to be open and supportive of one another.
You aren’t alone. Although there are times where you may find yourself feeling alone, thinking that you are the only one experiencing or feeling certain things, and that it's not possible for others to be going through the same thing as you, just know that you are not alone. There are others who understand and can help you. This doesn’t make you weird or different or weak, just human. None of us became the athletes we are today, by ourselves. We have been coached, and trained for most of our lives and it should be the same for our mental health, and other areas of our life. Don’t let these negative thoughts or stereotypes keep you from getting the help you need and deserve. You won't be the first, and you definitely won't be the last.
You never know the impact you can have on others and the difference you can make. Whether you are a superstar or someone who doesn’t touch the field or court, you are being watched and people often look up to you. How you act and what you do can have an impact, positively or negatively. Not only can you have an impact on others through your performance and play, but also what you do off the field or court. We are privileged and gifted as athletes at a high level, and I believe it is our duty and responsibility to better those around us and leave things better than when we arrived. Even if your impact doesn’t appear to be very noticeable, even if you touched just one person’s life, you have made a difference.
